Comments for The Hairy Farmer Family

Comment on COCFOC by Shannon

Shannon — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 18:59:09 +0000

I came up with one dozen rude things this can stand for.

Seriously.

That has the makings of a beautiful acronym, my friend.

Comment on Tread Softly by twangy

twangy — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 17:02:11 +0000

I read this post a few days ago on the tram, and it’s been resounding in my head since. OH IT’S TOO HARD. To live daily with that difference of heart between you and your spouse, and not second-guess and not throw yourself on your sword, and keep it all together, and still make sandwiches and take out bins, and be a functioning adult, takes some powerful mental high-wire balancing.

I am thinking of you, doing yours as I do mine, and wishing you so well.

Comment on Tread Softly by Womb For Improvement

Womb For Improvement — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 22:57:31 +0000

Tough, very tough.

Hope the counselling throws up positives that you never anticipated.

Comment on Tread Softly by pajamamommas

pajamamommas — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 20:49:57 +0000

Oh, that’s such a hard dilemma. And, as you note, one where there’s not much room for compromise. It’s difficult to “sometimes” do fertilty treatments or to have half a child or any of the other forms that compromise can take.
As May mentions above, the person saying no tends to have veto power. So if John continues to feel the way he does now, I wonder if finding something fulfilling in terms of job/career stuff might be a good use for the time and energy that you’d like to be lavishing on another child. You know kind of a lot about fertility treatments/IVF/etc. You’re awfully good at it (albeit not with the outcome you desperately want. which utterly and completely sucks). But I suspect there are many other things that you are also good at. If you are having to come to terms with a family that’s not the size/shape you had imagined, is it possible that some sort of job/career/Purpose In Life might help that be less painful? Not unpainful, since it would be so hard to be the one making a huge concession. But maybe a little less painful?

Comment on Tread Softly by Betty M

Betty M — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 00:20:24 +0000

May has said all the sorts of things I want to say in a better way than I could. I can however make a mean baked cheesecake to offer into the pile of cakes of solace.

For us this dilemma ended up with him taking the view that the desperateness of me was worse than the trials and tribulations of conception and loss and he was prepared to keep going to make me less miserable. I have used up all my credits now that we have a sufficiency of children even though secretly I harbour thoughts of keeping on indefinitely. Not that my story is much help. I’ll stick with the cake. x

Comment on Tread Softly by May

May — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 21:41:37 +0000

Re: MIL – they’re in their SEVENTIES and they want to move UP the hill? Umm… OK? And the two of them need four bedrooms for why? (Unhelpful internet pop-corn eater is unhelpful. Feel free to slap me and glare).

As for the rest of it, oh, bugger. Bugger it to haemorrhoidal bits.

The person saying ‘no shan’t won’t can’t’ in these situations alas alas has the veto AND the whip hand. Does he realise he has the veto and the whip hand (biology is one mean motherfucker like that)?

Also, I am very interested in Thalia’s point – “Did John wish for/dream of his future family? What did it look like? Was it different from what you’ve got? How did he let go of it if so?” It’s very understandable that he’d not want any more pain/hospitals/sorrow/misery/grief/depression. Is it fear of that alone that’s motivating him to give up and move on, or was he always going to be content with one child?

In our case, H is not prepared to give up yet. He HATES how much suffering it’s all causing, for both of us, but right now he hates being childless more. I can see, though, that if we had a kid he’d want to, well, pretty much sew me into my vest-and-knickers and never approach me again if that’s what it would take to guarantee NO MORE OF THIS SHIT. And he did want two or more kids to start with, many moons ago, back when we were naive and thought clomid was the answer.

Which isn’t helpful either.

As for being the Farmer’s Wife for the rest of your natural, regardless of whether you have another miracle wonder child or not, is that what you want? What YOU want? What do you want? (apart from the miracle wonder child – oh, Ann, how I hug you. I hug you muchly). Is there something you’d rather do? Then, my dear girl, for the love of God, DO IT. Being stuck in a boring job that does not fulfill you as a human being and all-around-cool-kick-ass, whether you’re stuck in it for the money or for the family obligations or both, is disgustingly like being infertile. Endless days of grim endurance with no sunshine in sight and no idea how or when you’ll ever be free of the dreariness of it all. Guilt at hating it all and wanting to stop, misery at being unable to stop, feeling isolated and freakish and left out, ugh. Important as an income is, not wanting to stab yourself in the eye with a spoon because a trip to A&E sounds more pleasant than your morning commute, is more important.

And have I hugged you? I hug you. I wish I was any good at cake. Would chocolate mousse be OK? I can do that.

Comment on Tread Softly by Laurel

Laurel — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 14:40:29 +0000

Oh. Very hard. We are having a very similar “discussion” over here. The stakes are much lower because infertility is not at at issue, thus we are not considering issues of life, death, serious illness, or enormous quantities of money; and it still sucks and has been the most difficult issue we have confronted as a couple. In your case, really, you both want the same thing, you just (just!) have different ideas about the risks and costs you are willing to sink into it. Which I think is much more painful; that loss of control or choice.

The job issue is not a small one either, even on its own. For me, too, it is tangled up with reproductive questions, and time, and money, and whether we can even afford another child. But aside from all that, I feel as if I’m at an age where I don’t get to mess around any more. If I want to do well and enjoy my work, I need to focus on one thing, and maybe take some risks and put in some more time to explore unexplored options. Not that I am rich in time, and that’s without any infants around. But career is not an easy decision to make either, even without all the surrounding pressures.

I wish you both all the very best in arriving at place of peace, some kind of certainty, and no lingering hard feelings. I also wish you freedom from that feeling of personal failure someday. xoxo.

Comment on Tread Softly by bionicbrooklynite

bionicbrooklynite — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 21:35:11 +0000

cake. cake is the only help i can think of.

besides pie, obviously, and ice cream.

Comment on Tread Softly by katyboo1

katyboo1 — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 20:00:55 +0000

oh pooh. That is a tough one. I am lucky. He didn’t want more children. I said ok, after much soul searching and anguish. Then, just as the step was about to become irrevocable he changed his mind, after much soul searching and anguish. Sadly I doubt it happens that way very often. I wish for you that you both reach a place of peace and acceptance with whatever you choose. And cake. I have a lot at the moment. If you weren’t on holiday I would zoom over with it asap.xxx

Comment on Tread Softly by Midlife Singlemum

Midlife Singlemum — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 17:28:57 +0000

I meant to write – Good luck in whatever path you take. Sorry, I pressed ‘posr comment’ too soon by mistake.