Crotch Care

My word! I had no idea that my undercarriage had such exciting bloggy potential; it seems that the UK ladies are in the minority with their tweezing prowess. Just so the rest of the world don’t think us utterly provincial, let us take a quick spin through the alternatives, just to prove we know about them.

Hair removing cream

Nice in principal, but HFF wifey is deadly allergic in practice.

Epilators

Epilators Smepilators. They’re just a big bunch of tweezers on a stick.

Electrolysis

Hmmmm. Yeah, I have one of these thingies. For the first 4 hours after I bought it, I electrolysed fervently. At which point I read the information manual, and realised that even when I’d killed the active follicles, they had hundreds of little buddies per square inch, all waiting dormant, ready to spring up in sprightly fashion. At which point I decided life was simply too short.

Razors

The disposables are my weapon of choice for leg hair, but the thing with my follicles à la upper bikini area is that they seem prone to getting excited at the least little thing (in marked opposition to the ones produced by my ovaries) and can turn a nasty bright red if provoked. I then look as if I’ve tried slash and burn agriculture, which is not such a good look on a groin. The blasted sprouting things are back again in a couple of days or so, ruining your smooth finish, noticeably so if you are blessed with lustrous thick dark hair.

Also, blades wielded in haste around one’s lower bits can produce unhappy results. When I suddenly (and correctly) decided that my Delhi belly was premature labour, I was attempting to relax the pain away in the bath. Realising that even another false alarm would necessitate a baring-of-bits at the hospital, I swiftly snatched the razor and made a couple of rapid swipes around the target zone. You can see where this is going, yes? A fumbling combination of insufficient reach, rising panic and my blind-summit belly resulted in a painful and rather embarrassing small gash. But not to worry, because the bloody big tear I incurred a few hours later in front of a roomful of intently watching people put it all nicely into perspective.

Waxing

Ahhh, waxing. Happy memories. Psyching yourself for the big pull.

When the hospital kindly lent me their oldest battleship of a breast pump, it became apparent that it had only one setting: violent. For several weeks I sat on the edge of my bed at 3.30am, holding the suction cup hovering over my breast and taking deep breaths whilst repeating the holy mantra in a fervent undertone: Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck. Final deep breath, apply suction cup. Suppress scream of agony as tortured nipple shoots 2 inches down the tube the moment an air seal is achieved.

I’m shuddering with the memory. My nipples have crawled away and hid under my armpits in terror. The pain-parallels between waxing and the malevolent Medela Lactina were startling. And since my pumping agony (Hire a Symphony, girls. Or an Ameda Elite. Trust me on this: they’re worth the money.) ended, my wax strips have resided in the cupboard undisturbed. Can’t seem to get excited about them, somehow.

I have to confess that since I have discontinued use of the wax, my lower areas have become a little more… festooned than they used to be. Tweezers can only take you so far, I agree. But hey, I’ve been married 4 years and have a 10 month old baby. It’s normal to not find your arse with an atlas at this point, surely?

NO?

Bugger.

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7 Responses

  1. Ahhh, ditto. Hair removing cream – I might as well use napalm. I once caught my head-hair in the epilator while trying to *ow* do *ow* my *ow* ankles *ow* and had to be rescued by my mother and a pair of nail scissors (yes, I do have long hair. And I am short-sighted. So, you see…). Electrolysis – weeellll, no. Razors, I still have an impressive ankle-scar from last summer, when a slightly carefree swipe at the sudsy legs resulted in the shower-tray looking astonishingly Psycho. Also, razors on dainty parts equals razor-burn and ingrown hairs, neither of which charm my husband much. Wax – I am a giant weed. There is no way I can rip my own wax-strips off. I scarred H for life by forcing him to help me do my underarms the week before our wedding. Apparantly the swearing he could stand, but the pitiful yelping did his head in.

    I can’t find my arse with an atlas either. And I have so few excuses. *sigh*

  2. Hee hee hee! I come onto the side of – tweezing, no way! (I’m Canadian, so I guess that fits w/ your observations so far). It would take me forever. Waxing (paying someone else to do it for me) is the method of choice for me. And I’m picky about my wax – the hard azulene does the best job for me. I could apply words like “luxuriant” and “resistant” to the gifts of my genes.

    I enjoyed SATC w/ my friends too and would have loved to get some action in w/ dh that night … but … AF was visiting and it was a late show, so by the time I got home … (yawn).

    So glad I found your blog, it is terrific 🙂

  3. I must be lucky- razors have always worked for me. Mind you, I can no longer reach….

    J

  4. No reference to laser hair removal? I’m still in the process of getting my facial stuff removed but seriously I’d love to get my entire body done.

    I’ve done the cream… and wound up with burnt hairy skin. Waxing is good for eyebrows. I just do the shave with the direction of hair growth in the bikini area… when I’m planning on swimming or if it really starts to bother me… generally, I’m a shave from the knee down kind of girl.

  5. I’m another vote for the razor – even though I am extremely short sighted in one eye which gives me huge problems with my depth perception. I just have to refrain from shaving when I am not wearing my contact. Tweezing – not enough time in my life for this. The eyebrows take up all my available tweezing time.

    Still, horses for courses, right?

  6. Tweezing?!! OWWWWWW!!!!
    Only thing that has ever worked for me is the razor. They make this splendid miracle stuff I buy at Target called “Bikini Zone” shave gel and it keeps the follicles from going crazy so I wind up with no razor burn when I used it.

  7. Ooo, yes, lasers! I forgot ’em. Out of my budget I’m afraid. Do they work?

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