Crime & Punishment

I have often mused on what I would hurl gleefully into Room 101 were I to magically be given the opportunity; I have mentally lined up entire squadrons of things that have monstrously pissed me off over the years.

But there was always the nagging feeling that throwing something away forever, as punishment for the unspeakably heinous crime of Getting On Ann’s Nerves, might be a tad short-sighted. Consigning, for instance, Visa cards into permanent oblivion because one of their number wriggled from your temporarily and inexplicably ataxic goddamn hand 3 times on the trot whilst trying to pay the stunningly good-looking chap behind the till… momentarily satisfying, yes, but ultimately… not clever. You know that the last laugh would not, in fact, be yours.

Yet… the sheer malice of the inanimate objects that line my cosmic path with ignominious tripwires is breathtaking. Forgiveness is absolutely not an option in the face of such determined wickedness. I am frequently, and for no good reason, embarrassed, delayed, injured, confounded and roundly beaten by a whole host of everyday inert items. They piss me off with spiteful impunity, and I can do nothing. Nothing.

Until now.

The embryonic existence of this wondrous product was only made known to me at tea-time today, but already I can see how it could change my life. If anyone wants to get me an early Christmas present, I need one of these…

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