Crime & Punishment

I have often mused on what I would hurl gleefully into Room 101 were I to magically be given the opportunity; I have mentally lined up entire squadrons of things that have monstrously pissed me off over the years.

But there was always the nagging feeling that throwing something away forever, as punishment for the unspeakably heinous crime of Getting On Ann’s Nerves, might be a tad short-sighted. Consigning, for instance, Visa cards into permanent oblivion because one of their number wriggled from your temporarily and inexplicably ataxic goddamn hand 3 times on the trot whilst trying to pay the stunningly good-looking chap behind the till… momentarily satisfying, yes, but ultimately… not clever. You know that the last laugh would not, in fact, be yours.

Yet… the sheer malice of the inanimate objects that line my cosmic path with ignominious tripwires is breathtaking. Forgiveness is absolutely not an option in the face of such determined wickedness. I am frequently, and for no good reason, embarrassed, delayed, injured, confounded and roundly beaten by a whole host of everyday inert items. They piss me off with spiteful impunity, and I can do nothing. Nothing.

Until now.

The embryonic existence of this wondrous product was only made known to me at tea-time today, but already I can see how it could change my life. If anyone wants to get me an early Christmas present, I need one of these…


6 Responses

  1. That IS genius. What a splendid idea. My only problem is, the inanimate object currently giving me the most trouble is, well, my car.

  2. Looks pretty simple…should I mail you a box with a Sharpie in it? Then you could write Torture Box on the outside and start putting the fear of God into those inanimate objects around your house!

  3. Hi Sarah,
    Easy! What you do, see, is paint ‘Torture Box’ on your garage doors! Then, when you do your John Cleese impression, instead of belting it over the bonnet with half a tree, you can threaten it with something Really Meaningful!

  4. *Laughs heartily*

    CS Lewis had the exact same problem, I found out today. That is, that inanimate objects were out to GET him at all times and in all ways. Made games at school the most appalling torment for him. Hm.

    Does it help that I stapled my new packet of coffee to my shirt-sleeve at work yesterday afternoon? No, I have no idea how either. I was actually stapling a note that read ‘This is May’s coffee. Ask and it shall be given unto you.’ to it. The coffee, that is. Not my sleeve. That WOULD be weird.

  5. Room 101 – for me, it’s definitely Pigeon’s first!!

    abs x

  6. […] I remembered the inspirational piece of work that is the Torture Box. I worried that unplugging the wires for a judicious dose of punishment might shift the thick […]

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