Wax Doll

Because life isn’t fucking fair, sweetheart. Because just when the lip that you smashed up Wednesday morning starts to go down a tiny little bit, you get knocked over by the spaniel and fall mouth-first into the chair.



If you’re wondering why his top is relatively free of blood, it’s because it mostly landed on mine. Harry did hold out his arms to John for a cuddle, but John didn’t want to get his white t-shirt stained and held him facing the other way around instead. Father of the Year.

Self-harm has never been my particular vice. But when I saw the blood pouring out of Harry’s mouth again, and heard his howls of pain, and saw his poor eyes full of incomprehension and distress… I felt so unbearably full of rage and frustration that all I wanted to do was hurt myself. My mouth was crooning cheery little soothing noises, my arms were holding his sobbing little form tightly, and my mind was roaring from a pain that had no-where to go except inwards. My son suffered pain right from the hour he was born, and there was nothing I could do to help him then, either.

Within half an hour he was toddling about again, and he’s now gone to bed, quietly enough considering he has the fattest lip I’ve ever seen, post-12-round-fight heavyweights included. I should be cooking dinner for friends. They’ll be here soon. Instead I’m sat crying.

If I feel such a savage and demented Mummy-Bear over a beaten-up lip, it’s not looking very promising for the first girl that dumps him.

15 Responses

  1. Ann, don’t beat yourself up, honey! None of this was your fault! Not his birth, delivery, possible problems, or his accidents! They were just accidents. Every toddler has them. I know, I know, they’re not your toddler, but toddler he is! This rage and frustration is causing you to have self-harming thoughts, no matter how flippant (for lack of a better word). I’m worried you might be suffering from depression and anxiety! You mentioned that you were seeing a counselor. I urge you to see a physician and get evaluated for a possible chemical imbalance and need for an anti-depressant. I’m really very concerned. Harry will recover, we know that, but I’m afraid you won’t. I only want to help, but I realize I’m treading into forbidden territory. I know that in America we tend to want to medicate to fix things, but it sounds like you need to at least be evaluated. Poor you. Lots and lots of hugs!

  2. Oh, poor little guy. I’m glad he was feeling better and I hope you do, too. It’s hard not to take their spills to heart, often much more so than they do. I still can’t bring myself to like the seven-year-old (!) girl across the street who’s made a point of ignoring my little guy–who is so friendly and sweet-hearted, and would give anything to ride around on their mini tractor toy. It’s everything I can do just to be courteous to her, actually. But I know intellectually he hasn’t noticed one bit. And then the spills and falls–your heart is in your throat but they move right on.

    But, I suspect it’s not only about the lip; you’ve had a lot of other Harry-related concerns going on. And under it all, the birth trauma for which you are blaming yourself. Nina is right, it isn’t your fault, even if you feel like it must be. In fact, you brought this wonderful boy into the world. He wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for you (and a lot of struggle and pain on your part). Don’t sell yourself short.

  3. It does seem as soon as we bring them into this world that they start to experience pain in some sort or another, whether it is a busted lip or the disappointments that life brings. But Harry has had a larger than normal share (at least from my point of view) of the hurts for such a tender age, and so have you. And it is traumatizing to walk through that fire. I was traumatized, just by being the nurse who witnessed the fire, so I cannot imagine how it must be for you and Harry. And I imagine that your job as Harry’s champion and cheerleader is very exhausting. So my assvice is to call up Nanny 911 for a cup of tea and a hug and maybe make an appointment for the doctor to talk about some antidepressants for a short while to build up your reserves. One that will help with sleep, so that you rest well, one that increases your energy, but decease your appetite (they do exist, email me and I will give you a list!, and one that won’t kill your libido).
    Because if you are going to do it you might as well get all of the benefits out of it as possible, don’t you think?
    I guess it is a good thing we Americans are all about the drugs isn’t it? Or maybe it is all those years working psych and then labor and delivery! There are also a huge list that are safe during pregnancy and breastfeeding as well. Enough assvice from me, I will stop now. Much love, Melissia

  4. I agree with the others – it sounds like the stress is overwhelming you. I hope tomorrow is a better day.

  5. Oh, poor baby. I can’t imagine seeing your boy suffer like that. Take care of yourself too though.

  6. oh, sweeties. I am aching for you guys. Many kisses.

  7. Oh FFS, poor Harry, when WILL the little fella catch a break? It’s not your fault; I think this is just the outlet for All Concerns Harry to manifest themselves and make you feel like total shite right now. I’ve had days like that, they suck, and I’m sorry 😦

  8. Oh, ouch ouch ouch.

    I am not looking forward to walking here….

    The head bops with crawling are bad enough.

    Poor Harry,



  9. Ann, sending love to you and to Harry.xx

  10. Poor little man, he is having a rough time. Give yourself a break and you be gentle to yourself too.

  11. Biggest possible hugs to you both. So very hard to see their perfect little selves mashed and mangled – but childhood seems to be a never-ending marathon through the most innocent looking but offspring-harming obstacles. And, if they take up the usual sporting interests, the risks leap terrifyingly higher. I found that keeping up the facade of adulthood, as you describe doing for Harry, got easier with time.

  12. I think MFA Mama said it best.

    I’m so sorry that Harry is suffering again, still. It’s not fair. It’s not your fault, either. I can see why you’d feel that way and I can understand that this is how you’re greiving. But even so, it’s not your fault. This is my arms reaching across the ocean to give you a huge hug. I’m praying that you recieve back in abundance all the years the locusts are eating.


  13. Awwwww.

  14. Ouch! Poor Harry. I hope he feels better soon.

  15. I know harry is injured much more often than Pob, but will you forgive me if i say I understand some of this? I had this experience of seeing her go head first off a dining chair onto the plastic floor of the kitchen. I heard the thump and the scream. I grabbed her and held her while she sobbed, and sobbed myself as she did so, but over her shoulder so she couldn’t see. She recovered ok, I was a basket case all day.

    I’m sorry poor harry gets so many bumps, it must be awful for your and his equilibrium.

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