• That sound you hear? Me touching lots and lots and lots of wood. Do not giggle.
  • Yesterday, I saw my counsellor. We discussed Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry and the Very Bad and Worrisome whole Wanting To Hurt My Own Preshus Self thing. Felt, as always, calmed and soothed afterwards. I am going back a little sooner than usual to explore ways of mentally embarking upon a journey towards a second (actually fifth, but you get my drift) pregnancy that does not leave me feeling guilt-racked – before we’ve even got going – about sentencing a fetus to an worryingly indeterminate stay inside my now proven Not-Exactly-Grade-A uteri.
  • Ethics of deliberately creating a life when you know very well that your faulty internal housing might choke it half to death and expel it early. Like, umm, last time. Dodging of bullets, etc. Discuss!
  • It came as a slight shock when she began to talk about which obstetrician I might usefully be referred to this time around, and mentioned that the Professor of Obstetrics at my regional hospital is a Riskiest-of-High-Risk-Pregnancies specialist. I am so used to being the only specialist on my idiosyncratic anatomy that I tend to think that I’m on my own with it. Which in many ways, I am, but I can’t deny that the prospect of buttonholing an eminent chap (I’ve googled the shit out of him already) who might manage me a little more aggressively this time around was… pleasant. If there is a next time, of course.
  • In related news, my period started Tuesday, exactly 2 hours after I wasted a pregnancy stick. This did not surprise me; not only did I have an unco-operative internal pH thing going on during my LH surge, we also missed the boat on the whole introduce-sperm-to-egg process. On the crucial evening John visited the pub with a mate and although he returned, as ever, keen as mustard to perform, this did not actually prevent him from rapidly falling unconscious asleep without having given of his all, so to speak. Given that I am far too fat to be even half-way comfortably pregnant currently, this was not a disappointment to me, but Hubby seemed displeased about it. I am currently having crampybastardshittyfuckcramps; they are obviously fighting for money in there again.
  • Hubby had, incidentally, got tipsy at the pub with an-embarking-on-divorce-proceedings pal, who is now sporting a brand new pierced ear, his first tattoo and a chunky studded belt. He has also just bought a motorbike, and is stoicly propping up the local pub bars chatting up the beer flossies. Bless the man.
  • I went to bed earlyish last night, exhausted and with racking period pain. I woke up at 2am having bled all over the sheet. Nice.
  • Apropos of the too-fat-for-pregnancy thing, I got on the scales last night, got into bed and promptly burst into tears. I have lost exactly nothing after more than a month of conscientious 3-times-a-week gym attendance. I am, admittedly, aware that I have not been eating at all healthily – a long succession of cakes and sinfully buttery-creamy meals I have cooked for friends – and that my thrice-weekly torture has actually prevented me from gaining the stone+ that I thoroughly deserved to, but still… depressing. I am eating up assisting John with the the last of his birthday cake


and then The Diet begins. I am only 4lbs off my heaviest-ever-including-pregnancy weight.  This is dreadful.

  • Harry’s Speech and Language Therapist came on Tuesday, had some useful suggestions for us, and seemed pleased that Harry has acquired – intermittently – a second word last week: ‘Out!’ He uses it to demand release from his highchair, although often also reverts simply to his generic ‘Iss! Dis!’ while struggling frantically with the straps. (We are still getting plenty of excited ‘Gis!’ despite the fact that they totally made him cry when they honked and ran at him this week.) She is chasing the Integrated Disability Service – that’s how it looks in my head, by the way – again to come and assess him. 
  • I have a boil-type thing in my ear, and it’s making my life miserable, particularly when I’m trying to sleep on it. I can’t see what’s happening – although feeling plenty – so I asked John to take a peer inside, with a view to lancing anything that presented itself. He recoiled backwards, emitting loud ‘urrgggghs!’ Useless.
  • I have still not bought John the whisky he requested as a birthday present, because I can’t be bothered to drive, park, visit the big off-licence, and pay for it with his money whilst toting a grabby-mine-giveitme-wantit toddler. Bad Wifey.
  • Harry has had a waily evening so far, which is a good indicator that he is going to go on to have a disturbed and screamy night. I’m guessing he’s under the weather, possibly with a gripy belly. I am upset by the fact that he is statistically likely to be experiencing pain, nightmares or is scared of something and cannot communicate these things to us at all. It hurts to know he has a comfort need I can’t fill properly.
  • Why, why are there no hexagonal/octagonal used summer houses on Ebay, within 30 miles of here, that no-one apart from me is interested in bidding on? I want one NOW. TODAY. Kthx.
  • The tortoise desperately needs cleaning out; the chicks are also getting off-puttingly smelly and need shifting into bigger quarters in the garage. These are tomorrow’s tasks. I will also have the insanely-heavy-periods-sufferer perk of putting Harry into the creche at the gym for an hour in the morning as usual – and sitting downstairs with coffee and a book.
  • Small Yay! for menorrhagia.

13 Responses

  1. Todder scribble, hmmm?

  2. I knew what you meant! Soooo glad you saw your counselor! No more self-deprecating/self-harming behavior, if you please! Even with your period, you do seem to be more cheerful. Glad Harry was able to dodge catastrophe for the rest of the week.

  3. Dumb question from I-only-have-one-uterus-and-it-still-sucks: if you get pregnant in the same uterus that housed Harry, will its, er… Pre-stretchedness make for a longer pregnancy this go round?

  4. That is a great question May. If does work that way with a woman’s pelvis, if she has given birth vaginally then it is said that her pelvis is proven to 7 pounds, etc. Not sure if it works that way with a uterus, but I do know that multiples do run out of room causing contracting.
    So Ann, since you are the expert? I read Harry’s birth story and his weight was just shy of the norms that I can find in my books and on the internet, he was only a week behind, so you were doing a good job growing him. (And that could be just a normal difference)but I do understand about the tracings and the need to deliver, but up until that point he was doing well, so you did not fail him is my point. You should look at the stats on the web, you will be surprised, he was good sized for 33 weeks, I always thought so but needed to verify. According to everything I found he was the average size of a 32 week baby, not too shabby for growing in a tiny flat instead of the mansion. I know that things went to pot real quick as soon as he was delivered but you did do a good job growing him. This means good things for future pregnancies maybe?
    At least something to discuss with the good doctor.

  5. We have issues with the whole sperm to egg thing, except in our case is it mutant soldiers and where’s-the-egg?


  6. Since I have no boundaries, either IRL nor on the internet, as evidenced by my previous comment, I wanted to say but forget to mention the saying we have here in the States, that you may have heard, that may account for your lack of weight loss, so before I do I will ask the question about your clothing feeling looser and if you took body measurements before you started your exercise regime? The saying is that muscle weighs more than fat, so sometimes when you start an exercise program at first you will actually not lose weight, but inches. Terrible, isn’t it, but I bet you clothes are getting looser as we speak or write!

  7. Looks like John is well on his way to lancing that ear growth.

  8. Sarge wouldn’t lance my ear boils either, FWIW. I normally try to do it myself with a complicated arrangment of bathroom mirrors. Painful, to say the least.

    Even though I only have one uterus, I did bleed like a mofo back in the days before surgery and the pill. I used to put Chucks pads down on the bed. Really saved my sheets, not to mention the mattress. Maybe that would help you? They’re kinda pricey but then again so is buying new linens.

    This should have been the first thing but YAY FOR NO MORE BUSTED LIPS! Lets hope Harry’s on a streak and it lasts and lasts. Poor little guy. I’m praying for lots of good things to come your way. SOON.


  9. womb for improvement–ha ha!

    I had the same thought as Melissia about weight and muscle! I don’t know if your measurements have changed but I think weight can be a bit misleading, especially in early stages of a new regime. Are you seeing changes in your strength or stamina? That means you’re getting somewhere…

    So glad that Harry is finally getting a reprieve. And very happy too to hear that you’ve had good help in your corner from the speech therapist, counselor, and may possibly from the high-risk OB as well. Keep pushing for their assistance. Support makes a world of difference!

  10. Hi there, found you via BMB and I just wanted to say on your concerns about Harry’s speech, neither of my sons were really speaking at all before they were two, and the eldest didn’t really start motoring (although he was communicating) before he was gone 3. Now of course we can’t shut either of them up…

  11. Hang in there Ann! I had the same thoughts about muscle weighing more, if that’s any consolation. Still, it is frustrating and I understand because if I so much as look at a package of pasta I gain 5 pounds.

    And, you make the most awesome cakes!

  12. I think May might actually be right, with subsequent pregnancies the uterus should already be pre stretched so I think the theory is that you should be able to last futher into the pregnancy each time. How ever I do know that should do, maybes and statistics really don’t help with the half of it and the feelings you have.

    Glad to hear about the specialist though, it is always a bonus to find out a doctor has even half an idea.

  13. I would like to know how you also are affected by this no-period-until-test affliction. It never fails with me. NEVER. Oh, except that time I was pregnant and had a kid eventually. But other than that, NEVER.

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