Death Of A Thousand Cuts

I was looking down the menu in the Italian restaurant last night, searching for a pasta dish. All I could see was pizza upon pizza; absolutely dozens of the buggers.

‘Not much fucking variety!’ I moped to myself, before vaguely looking around and noticing that there were a fair few Pizza Express signs. Above the door, for instance, and on the top of the menu.

I had a pizza.

Towards the end of the night the cramping ramped up, and I was unsurprised to find significantly increased amounts of bloodloss – God alone knows where from – when I got home shortly before midnight, to find John vicariously suffering from the pregnancy sleepies; he had to be prodded awake to hear my Pain! Blood! news – and duly provided me with warm feet and a cuddle, which was pretty much all I was after at that stage of the day.

Because most of my body definitely reckons it’s pregnant: my boobs ache, I can barely keep my eyes open, and I’m vaguely frisky. Very vaguely, John. Yesterday morning’s peestick – I am a neurotic and compulsive peesticker – was significantly darker than the one I photographed. This morning’s was somewhere between the previous two, but I’d downed an unaccustomed amount of fluid the night before.

I was absolutely horrible to Harry this morning. The poor little lad did nothing wrong except try to get my attention when I was half-awake and unhappy, and I was totally fucking rotten to him and pushed him away from me and called him a Name he doesn’t understand.

God help me. I sobbed and sobbed in shame. 

I have to do better than this. In fact, I hope I never sink so low again.

John came home at breakfast and enquired how I was. I don’t think the Pain! Blood! conversation sank in properly last night and he was quite sad when I explained it was going tits. He’s always had a better opinion of Cameron than I have, and he really rather wants another child.

I took Harry into town after breakfast to buy him a new book – an airport and aeroplanes one – and have his passport photos taken in a studio, after I wasted £4 in a booth yesterday trying to persuade a tray of snakes overtired toddler to stand still on the stool, don’t touch the curtain and look at the blank wall while Mummy kneels on the floor preventing topples.

Harry and I have no passports currently, a fact that disconcerted me enormously when my mother fell ill abroad recently. Running away somewhere is my stock reaction to miscarriage, and while we cannot afford a holiday in the slightest, I expect we might end up somewhere once John has finished lambing. This is assuming the cost of the preparations themselves do not bankrupt me. £8 in the photobooth. £7 for Harry’s studio shots. £77.50 to renew my passport. £49 for Harry’s first passport. £8 to have the Post Office check the documents. £3 to have them sent back on special delivery. Plus whatever it’ll cost to send the fat bastard envelope containing Harry’s birth certificate, our marriage certificate, photos, completed forms, and Uncle Tom Cobbley to them by special delivery in the first place.


This evening, the pain has died down to a grumble and the blood loss has tailed off to a brown trickle again. My second, IVF  pregnancy stretched on for weeks, bleeding and cramping from very shortly after transfer, even growing as far as a normal 7 week-sized fetus, but without ever developing a heartbeat. I was off work for nearly 8 weeks with that one. I was a mess.

Do. Not. Want.

I know what I want. I want to be warm, magically 5 stone lighter, sat with a good book and a nice snack, on a balcony, looking down a Mediterranean hillside, watching the sea twinkle in the morning sunlight. There are fishing boats. John & Harry – who behaved impeccably on the plane – are somewhere stage left doing Fun Stuff, and laughter can be heard floating up the hill.

Freeze frame.

21 Responses

  1. I do not want that for you either. (The mess not the perfect holiday which I do want). Keeping everything very, very tightly crossed.

  2. My poor girl.

  3. Wish I had some comforting words to offer…or a villa by the sea…

  4. Oh but that last paragraph sounds perfectly perfect. May I borrow it and substitute my own Grown Boy and Toddler? Many thanks, as I am not getting away any time soon either – all our money is going to the IVF doctors and NYC preschool, and not to temporarily running away from home as I would much prefer…

    Keeping fingers crossed that things go gently for you, whatever direction they take, and sending hugs your way.

  5. OK, so this sucks. What is it with uncertainty? Why is it so foully painful and difficult? God, how I wish you WERE happily inhabiting your last paragraph. I wish it so hard.

    So many hugs. So very many hugs.

    (Harry won’t really care or remember that you had a grumpy moment. Every parent ever snaps sometimes, usually with IMMENSELY less cause and excuse than you. Let it go. Breathe).

  6. Still holding your toe.

  7. thinking of you

  8. Thinking of you and massaging harder. Your shoulders I mean.

  9. Oh, poor dear, I wish I could spirit you away to that Mediterranean view right now. But grumpiness to be expected, and no doubt Harry forgot the slight even before the purchase of his lovely new book.

  10. Oh…. I am so crossing my fingers for you… Take care.

  11. Everything crossed for you. Also trying very concentrated good thoughts. Imagining you blissful and happy in the Med sun. Ah yes. Roll on the good times…

  12. Just want to give you a massive hug. Let me know if you need me, I’ll be there x

  13. Grumpy moments – they are Teh Suck. The do happen, and like May said, Harry won’t recall it past the next Timmy episode.

    You, however – what can we do for you?

  14. Something small, nay, teeny, that I can fit in my carry-on?

  15. I don’t know how you found me, but I’m glad you did, because I love your blog. Bizarre mix as it is between the truly touching (as a mass miscarrier, but now proud, knackered mother of 2 boys of 11 and 13) and the very funny.
    You’re sort of encouraging me to start again. Blogging, not babies.

  16. Have nice place in sunny part of the country that looks out on the Pacific Ocean…if you stand on your tippy toes on the second floor balcony. I know it requires largish airfare but you’re welcome to use it.

    And I really should read more recent posts before I go commenting on older ones. Senior blonde moment, sadly. Please forgive me.

  17. Really really hoping and praying for the best for you.

  18. Oh yes, that’s just how I imagine perfection, your dream scenario. Wish I could freeze the frame for you just there. And not here of course, which is utterly crap. I am sorry.

  19. Come with us on our holiday. We have a spare room. It won’t be warm, but it will be far away and if your passport is back by 25th March you are welcome.

    My first three failed pregnancies dragged on for weeks, and weeks and weeks with pain and bleeding etc. It was exhausting and misery making and hideous and mine were straightforward compared to yours. I totally get it.
    Lots and lots of love.

  20. Hi, just wanted you to know I have sent you the Beautiful Blog Award.

  21. I wish I had the necessary powers to whisk you to that fabulous location. You need a treat and not the stuff that the universe has been hurling you lately. Sorry that I can only offer sympathy.

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