I’m not often nice about Tesco.

If you are a UK resident, trying to conceive, and, like me, are an impatient type, you will want the finest, most sensitive peesticks that money can buy, paying no heed to the suspect wisdom of discovering pregnancies at the chemical stage.

I can help you with this decision.

Do not waste your money on a couple of First Responses, for £10.49.

Do not fritter away cash on a pair of ClearBlues for £11.45.

Do not even attempt to be clever by purchasing internet tests that claim to detect pregnancies in the next village along.

No, no, no, no, no.

What you want, what you really, really want, is a brace of Tesco own-brand pregnancy tests (in funky new blue packaging, btw, which is a Royal Pain In The Arse to actually open) – for a whopping great £4.50.

Ladies, they are ab.so.lute.ly fucking phenomenal.

This (admittedly, viewed after it had been left to stew and mature for an hour):

is what a corroborated-by-blood-test hCG of 6 looks like.

Fucking SIX.

Less than 5, and you are officially clinically very not pregnant indeed. This peestick is not a fluke-ish result, but one of a consistently dwindling series.

I grimly applaud the menacing, agriculture-sodomising, behemothic, corporate juggernaut that is Tesco, and give them their righteously-deserved due credit.

These tests prod serious buttock. May their trolley wheels never wobble.


23 Responses

  1. I’m impressed. And off to Tesco to stock up.

  2. Do NOT under any circumstances, leave them in their packaging until you need to use them! I burst into tears because I was distressed, panicky, and desperately trying to open them; the packaging defeated my tearing – and reasonably strong – digits. John has bunches of bananas, constructed entirely of leather & muscle, and it took even him a good while to extract the cardboard box from the plastic outer. Scissor the plastic before installing in bathroom cabinet!

  3. Crap! We don’t have Tesco. How am I supposed to live without something that can deliver such fabulous results?

  4. urgh.

  5. (sorry, I know I’m not very articulate at the moment, but that surpassed even my low standards).

  6. I love that line in ‘Friends’ where Chandler does a pregnancy test, because he’s bored. Or is it an ovulation test?

  7. Holy cow, woman. You sure know your peesticks. Hats off to you.

  8. Useful to know for the next time work makes me so stressed that I miss a period, and then have to deal with the added stress of panicking that I’m pregnant….

  9. oh and then have to deal with the stress of having spent half my food budget on pregnancy tests!

  10. Wild horses wouldn’t get me in to the evil Tesco but that is pretty impressive.

  11. Shit on a stick.

    I am sorry. Yet, peversely enough, I covet those tests. Very badly indeed.

    Actually I covet some hcg of my own and some better numbers for YOU soon, too.


  12. I’m sorry- that blows big time.


  13. Here from LFCA though not for the first time and I always enjoy your writing. I’m so sorry to read your news and very impressed by your providing public service announcements at such a time. I hope you can take gentle care of yourself at least in intermittent moments; I know it’s hard with a toddler (understatement).

    Here in the US where we lack Tesco, I find Dollar General Store brand (dramatically and, let’s be honest, misleadingly — or at least, optimistically — labeled “Baby Test” — I am not kidding) pretty similarly sensitive (though I can’t confirm them with similar blood results, even though I, too, have had a 6 — just not the day I peed on a “Baby Test” stick. I can tell you the internet cheapies won’t even get close to registering a 6 …). Oh, and just $1 per test … in case any US readers need to know.

  14. Wow Tesco rock! Dare I admit that I do shop there every now and again? Will you forgive me?

    Hope you are ok, your ability to find a positive in a shitty situation is amazing.

  15. But I HATE Tesco! (Sorry Bee Cee). Would it be acceptable to *cough* steal *cough* their pee-tests as a form of anti-Capitalist protest?

  16. Found your blog through LFCA – so sorry that you were even in a position to do this HCG of 6 experiment.

    However, on my next trip to the UK I shall be purchasing: one suitcase’s worth of Tesco peesticks.

  17. Hey … found you through Shannon’s link to you.

    Blimey … talk about going through it babes!! Just wanted to send support from me!

    (With you on the pee sticks .. did about 100 of these after my IVF!)

    Take care x

  18. Deja vu, baby. Or rather, no baby. That was what it looked like for me too- only slightly less obvious. I’m encouraged that the tests are in fact good, even though, you know, chemical pregnancy sucks its own brand of ass.

    Tesco. Every little helps.

  19. No Tesco here dammit.

  20. […] a collection of pregnancy sticks lined up on the kitchen table, where anxious comparisons of the (phenomenally sensitive) line colour-depth were made on a day to day basis. Following an excruciating incident when I […]

  21. […] was confidently expecting a little darkening of peesticks this morning, especially after one of my legendary Tesco-own-brand tests trumped the cheapy 10mIU barely-there-at-all-lines yesterday, and produced […]

  22. if you have a line in the circle box are u pregnant???

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