John the Weasel

At 2am this morning, m’lud, the defendant, on entirely his own initiative, did remove a screaming, howling, protesting toddler from the nursery, and introduce him into the parental bed. The young man in question, true to 9-times-out-of-10 form, did not go back to sleep, but proceeded to turn the night into a surrealist dozing twilight zone of frantic cuddles, kicks to the head, and intermittent outbreaks of deafening babble.

After a mere few minutes of this behaviour, m’lud, the defendant, taking blatant advantage of his partner’s semi-comatose state of pronounced tiredness, did sneakily quit the main bedroom, and conceal himself in the spare room for the remainder of the night. His defence, when interrogated in daylight by police incensed spouse, was that he felt ‘really quite sleepy’.

Said spouse endured above two semi-conscious hours of toddler torment, your honour, before snapping like a dry twig and ruthlessly inserting toddler back into the nursery, to the accompaniment of loud remonstration. She was very much hoping, m’lud, that her partner would, upon hearing the yammering and yowling, make an effort to return to the marital bed, as the young lad had, over the course of the night, managed to upset his entire sippy cup contents into his father’s side of the mattress.

The lady in question was unable to immediately return to sleep, even after the cessation of the ululation from the nursery, m’lud, because of a telling combination of profound irritation, moisture wicking, and what is colloquially known as ‘that fucking cockerel’ – which animal commenced its morning proceedings at 4.45am.


John has spent an appreciable proportion of today building Harry’s new climbing frame, and getting, intermittently, thoroughly pissed on.

Do not waste your sympathy on him, O people, for he has sinned.


12 Responses

  1. That’s a hanging offense if ever I saw one. That frame would work nicely as a gallows…

  2. No fair sneaking off to the guest room! Although next time, I’d put Harry in there with John, and go sleep in his bed…

  3. Is it wrong that when I glanced at the photo before reading the post I thought it looked like a pile of chairs on a table???

  4. John! Scandalous behavior. I recommend Ann withhold all favors, culinary and otherwise, as fair punishment.

  5. Nice use of the word “ululation”. One of those immensely satisfying words that isn’t merely onomatopoeic, but also manages to look the part. Like murmurer.

    I’m shocked by the depths of John’s betrayal though! Shocked.

  6. Severe retribution is in order. Sounds like jewelry is, too.

  7. Hmm. At Villa Kore, in days of yore when there were three junior bed swappers taking turns at destroying parents god-given right to a decent night’s kip, it was considered that the first person to remove themselves from the marital bed, search and successfully find an empty, dry bed, was THE WINNER!! First prize was a day on the receiving end of the sleep deprived one’s lashing temper. Needless to say, the competition was fierce.

  8. Both John and the cockerel are lucky still to be living in my view.

  9. Well, now. I do most STRONGLY feel that whoever brings child to the marital bed, is DUTY BOUND to stay in said bed with said child as it was THEIR BLOODY SILLY IDEA (disclaimer – unless child is unwell). I feel morally wrong for being amused that John got rained on, but, yes, I was amused.

    Cool climbing frame. Can I come and play on it? Can I? Can I? Can I?

  10. LOL – the way you write makes my side ache with all the laughing…. and I know how annoying it is to be left with the awake child whilst my better half slunk off for a kip elsewhere.
    John does look suitably annoyed though…

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