Miniature Betrayals

… there are worse things than these miniature betrayals,

committed or endured or suspected; there are worse things

than not being able to sleep for thinking about them.

It is 5 a.m. All the worse things come stalking in

and stand icily about the bed looking worse and worse

and worse.

Things, Fleur Adcock.

29 Responses

  1. awww…. it is a very cute school bus though and I’m sure the driver is really friendly and nice! and they have an accompanier, right?

    • Yeah! Escort friendly, v reassuring. Our main worry was that our car seat didn’t fit well in the shallow minibus seats. There was still a lot of movement after it was belted in. I think it would shift a helluva lot if… well. Can’t think about the ifs. Will lose mind.

  2. Hope you are ok

    • *nods, while biting lip*
      I rang & they said he was fine and telling them all about the bus. He’s fine. Just my heart that’s breaking!

      I had to smile: John’s been pretty gung-ho about hurling him on the bus, but last night he furrowed his telephone-conversation-hating brow and asked…’You will ring the school, won’t you? To make sure he’s got there ok?’

      *silent stare from Ann*

      ‘Well, I thought you would. But I would, if you didn’t!’

  3. *Big Hug* with accompanying *Shoulder Patting*.

  4. Oh scary stuff! How brave of you. Did you have any fingernails left by the time they brought Harry back on that first day?

  5. Engulfing you with oceans of hugs. What a big boy.

  6. It took me a minute to realize that this was a school bus as in the US they are yellow with black stripes and then I was suddenly anxious, and thought ” oh no he is just way too young to ride that all by himself’.
    You are very brave, and I am sure that Harry is having a wonderful time but he seems very young, and I think of him always in your tender care, not out not out exploring the world like a big boy. How he is growing up.

  7. Hey! He’s telling them all about the bus. That’s great! He does like vehicles, and this could be made of win for you both. He starts out the day with something he enjoys and likes and you get more time to get stuff done.

  8. Aw. I would have the same feeling–well, no school buses around here for the younger ages, but every day I drop the kids off at their daycare, I wonder. Especially the days that they don’t want me to leave. And that pit in the stomach is saying exactly that: am I betraying you?

    In the end, though, I really think not. What would be a betrayal of my children is to raise them so that they are afraid to go out into the world, or so that they think they have to live under my wing all the time. It’s a joy, as a child, to see new places and things. I want them to be happy adults with the ability to fearlessly explore. So–I will stand shoulder to shoulder with you, and say, we are doing the right thing!

    It feels like “too soon,” sometimes, but it might always feel like that.

    The school bus does make it harder, somehow, maybe because you don’t have the same transition time and the ability to see them off at the school itself. Not to mention the fingernail-biting over the drive. We don’t have to deal with that until kindergarten, but I know I will be lying awake a few nights when it comes.

    • The betrayal here is a two-way street in my head. Not only have I consigned him to the care of others at a very tender age indeed – but he is blithely happy to leave me! HOW COULD HE?!!

      • I just came back and noticed this. Ha, too true. Our children can’t win! 😉

  9. And when he bounded in the door and hugged you when he got home, was it a tiny teeny little bit better? A little?

    • T’was! I wish his carseat fitted better, but apart from that, I’m feeling much more at ease with it.

      Of course, I’ve had to sit on the floor with H & his teddies playing ‘Dus! DUS!’ for so long today that the whole bus topic is now olllld!

  10. *Squeeze hand* All will be well, and all will be well, and all manner of things will be well.

    I love that Adcock poem.

    Oh, God, the boy is, well, a boy, and barely a toddler at all any more. My own lip’s trembling. *hug*

  11. Appreciates the squeezed paw!
    Of course, all this is going to happen at 8 a-bloody-m every morning, so I hope the bus doesn’t mind the sight of me in PJs.

    And yes, Adcock is fabulous. I likes me a bit of Wendy Cope, too.

  12. Your baby is growing up. (And that *is* a good thing).

  13. Ahh. Tough day. Tougher for you I’d say. He’ll thrive though. Honest.

  14. He does look very happy to be on the bus…no consideration at all for his poor parents. Every day they pull away a little more. But then every other day, they regress again and just want you to hold them. It’s a gradual withdrawl.

  15. Right there with you Ann… Alex starts riding the bus this week to his special preschool, and I know *he* is excited about it. Not sure if I am!

  16. Are you telling me that an actual school minibus delivers door to door??? WOW!
    (and school is awesome … but then I have a biassed perspective on how much fun it is;)

  17. Britax have just followed me on twitter – they might be able to help you on the car seat thing?!?

    Big squeezes though. Enjoy some extra time in those PJs…

  18. I think you only get door to door for, erm, special children.

    Can you buy a new carseat specially for the school bus? Might be worth it for the peace of mind (unless this is the one that is supposed to fit, of course!)

  19. Oh how sweet. I know all to well the feelings of seeing your baby go on the bus for the first time. Zeke was totally siked, I was crying as I waved from the steps. But I’m sure Harry LOVES it as much as Zeke does, and that makes it all the better and easier. Soon enough you’ll be looking forward to when the bus comes so you can breathe a little sigh of…let’s call it relief for lack of a better word…and happily go about your morning. It’s truly a blessing. Even if it does hurt one’s “mother-heart”.

  20. yes it is completely gutting when they trot off with nary a backward glance. But we are raising them to be securely attached, happy, independent souls, yes? It kills but it’s good, too.

    I’m with katie on the car seat, I’d check, for peace of mind sake. I have a subscription to which and you are welcome to be me for an evening and peruse their listings if you’d like.

    Although heaven forfend a crash occurred, the seat belt would go immediately rigid so much less movement than you think.

  21. Awww, Ann.

    Iit breaks my heart to send my kids to creche and go to work, I will totally lose my cool when I send them to proper school and they no longer run to see me when I pick them up,



  22. Dear woman, I DEMAND to know more about the penultimate tweet in your feed. Harry talks? More? Upon what does he discourse? Details. Details for the slavering masses.

  23. I am with Laura. What, exactly, is Harry saying? I’m very curious to know.

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