There Is A Limit

to how much I can cope with, and I have just reached it.

Miscarrying for the 5th time, I can just about manage.

My MIL twisting the knife, I can nearly put up with.

The fox eating all Harry’s hens, I can live with.

My Professor now viewing me as a hopeless case and referring me back to someone else, I can stand.

I have, after all, been most kindly supported by everyone else.

But I’m not sure I can sustain the further intense disappointment I have just been hit with, namely that the lab did not, in fact, freeze our other blastocyst. We have nothing, now. The letter that should have been sent out to us immediately after transfer explaining what happened, wasn’t.

They are very sorry, apparently.

I didn’t feel beaten this morning. Hurt, wounded, wretched, yes, but not beaten or despairing. I thought we had something left still to show for all the trouble, hassle, and financial wipeout.

No. Now: I feel really bloody destroyed.

I have, I know, felt worse than this in the past. Miscarriage pre-Harry was a bleaker existence than miscarriage post-Harry. I didn’t have the fabulousness of the interwebs back then, either.

Today, however: I do feel trampled hard into the floor. 

I still haven’t bled, although I can feel the mifepristone they gave me this morning doing something vague; I’m going back into hospital on Friday for the big misoprostol guns if nothing occurs before then.

Once more unto the breach, dear friends… close the wall up with our English dead.

HenryV Act 3 Scene 1

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51 Responses

  1. Sorry doesn’t cover it.

    Cock, fucking, shitting, arse doesn’t either. But that is how I feel for you.

  2. Fuuuuuuck. I’m so sorry.

  3. No words. Sitting here saying “I’m so sorry” is pointless. I cannot begin to imagine, though. And I AM so sorry.

  4. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?

    BASTARDS.

    just because you’ve had worse than this doesn’t mean this isn’t pretty fucking rotten.

    so very, very angry on your behalf.

  5. Too many times unto the breach, Ann. That is just so BAD of them.

    Words are inadequate, but I have to say it, I am so sorry about this, on top of everything else.

  6. Oh, this is so miserable. I have no idea what to say to you. It’s just terrible.

  7. no words.

  8. The clinic did WHAT? The FUCKING ARSEHOLES. THEY’RE sorry, are they? I’ll tear them limb from limb, and then we’ll see who’s sorry. Bastard bastard lying cowardly pieces of fermented rectum.

    Argh.

    I rip my hair out.

    And the whole thing with the hens is just ridiculous of the Universe. I mean, seriously, Universe? Where in hell is your sense of proportion?

    (Still planning on sneering at your MIL if I ever meet her. I can curl my upper lip, you know. I shall curl it at her, and say she clearly has no idea how lucky she is you are her DIL. If it were me, I’d’ve slapped her into next week already, so perhaps she ought to thank you).

    Oh, Ann, this fucking sucks.

  9. Oh, no.

    I so wish I could sweep you up into the world’s biggest hug.

  10. My god, I can’t even form a sentence about this. They who with the what now? What is the lab’s excuse? Can there be any possible reason that is good enough?

    I wish I could give you some shelter somehow; something that would help in some concrete manner. So far away, all I can give you is puny words, not even well put together at that. I am so sorry, Ann.

    P.S. I even missed the thing about the hens on first read. Oh, my heart just breaks.

  11. Sometimes the universe really sucks and today’s the day it does it just for you apparently. This is all so unbelievably unfair. I’m actually in tears here because I had thought ‘well at least there are the frozen embryos so you can try again if you want to’, and now even that has been taken away. So, so sad for you all.

    xox

  12. Fair or not, your clinic is now on my shit list.

    Once again, I wish I had something better to offer you than an inadequate I’m so sorry. I pray that you are able to find some degree of comfort, some where, some how. I also pray that soon you will get the win that is so long over due to you.

  13. WHAT????!!!!!
    They did WHAT?!?!?
    Right, where are the arseholes, let me at them. It’s been a long time since I really wanted to smack somebody, but here we are again. I cannot believe they’ve done this. What was their excuse?!
    Oh Ann, I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry.

    As for the MIL, well, I’ve some very large boxes over here at the moment, I could happen to accidentally pack her into one, and then send her to my in-laws in Malaysia. Would that help?

  14. WHAT?!?! Why? Why?

    I just….don’t even know. I’m so sorry. It’s not fair. It shouldn’t be happening to you.

  15. I have no words. Nothing. Bloody hell babes!!

    M x

  16. Ok, the MIL had me (and she’s not even mine) seething, but I thought I ought to aim for balance, so to the beam I went.

    The clinic, though. Not so much. They’re sorry? They’re SORRY? Well, that’s all right then. I mean, thousands down the drain, a family’s hopes and dreams, your body put through hell…it’s all ok right, since they’re SORRY.

    Sorry can fuck right off.

    The clinic should maybe have it put to them that a round might be on them? Worth a punt? At least it’s a battle, and a battle is a hell of a lot better than SORRY.

    • Agreed on that last! A heavy discount at least?! (It is probably the last thing that our HFF wants to even think about dealing with today … but maybe some other time, when Angry is winning over Devastated.)

  17. Oh, flip, I am so sorry to hear that

  18. Oh Ann. As if it wasn’t enough shitty things all one on top of another.

    As to the clinic. For fucks sake how hard can it be? Ok fuck ups happen but really this is why they are regulated up the wazoo. If they aren’t offering a full explanation straight off the bat they should be. Plus a free cycle or at least the cost of a FET plus storage. Its cheaper than having to get their lawyers in and that will cause them a load of hassle with the HFEA. I know what I’d be advising them to do. Bastards.

    Did the Prof suggest someone good?

  19. I hasten to elucidate that the lab hasn’t ballsed up, except with a major communication fail. The blast wasn’t looking nearly as promising on the Sunday after my Saturday transfer, so it didn’t make the freezer grade after all. Their oversight was in not letting me know.

    • The oversight is still epic. Major. Hopes were dashed. They should bloody well know better. I’d still be looking to recoup. It’s not about the money (except, well, it is). Lack of communication has consequences, it certainly does in corporate world. That they’re SORRY is a failure to accept said consequences.

      • I’m with the fairy door up there…

        FFS. I’m so sorry.

      • I agree. One thing I have learned with all the crap with my nephew is how often the ball is dropped somewhere. Test not ordered, results not shared-the list goes on and on. Sorry does not even begin to cut it.

  20. Oh Ann. Tits. Fuck. Shit. Bollocking shitty shit. Poor you, poor Harry, poor hens, poor John. Poor MIL if any one of us happens to bump into her.
    Its a big sad sorry mess that you shouldn’t have to go through.

  21. Error aside, their timing in letting you know about frankly sucks ass. I’m not sure you have much in the way of a legal remedy but I’d be writing to HFEA, among others, and letting them know about this gross oversight. That and sending a molotov cocktail through their windows.

  22. I can’t think of anything helpful to say, either.

  23. Well, that’s just shit. All of it, of course but I’m not surprised the camel’s back was breached by that particular cock up.

    So sorry.

  24. Nothing I could say could even come close to telling you how shitty I feel for you.
    So sorry.

  25. Picking my jaw up off the floor… I…don’t even know what to say. Wow. Yeah, that’s exactly the news you want to hear right now. Fuck.

    I’m so sorry – about all of it.

  26. Those days when you are too sad to be angry are the pits. Passing you the big box of tissues. We internets can do the anger for you meantime.

  27. My jaw literally dropped reading this. What the fuck are those fuckwits at the lab playing at? Surely to God they know how precious a blastocyst is to parents?

    They owe you big time.

    So sorry for all you’re going through.

  28. Sorry you are going through this crap upon crap. Words just don’t cover it.

  29. I know sorry doesn’t cover it – but there seems like nothing else to say.

  30. So sorry about everything. Words fail me.

  31. Holy flaming cows! That is SO not fucking ON! Grrrr

    Oh Ann sending big hugs your way as there are no words.

  32. I am so so sorry for all of the trauma you’ve been through. How dare they?

  33. Damnation. Too much, too soon, too bad. I wish there was anything I could do.

  34. Like so many others have said, I have no words. So so sorry for all the shit you are wading through xx

  35. You said in your last post that people reading helps you. Well I’m reading.

  36. Hoping you’re doing OK. Well as OK as you can be in the circumstances.
    Thinking of you x

  37. Breathless with sorrow for you all. Constantly and loudly demanding the Universe to ease off on the massive Insult to Injury campaign it is waging over Hairy Towers.

  38. I have come over from Shannon’s and I am so, so sorry for everything.

  39. I am so, so sorry.

  40. I am so very sorry for all that you’re going through.

  41. This, frankly, sucks. Ridiculous pile-up of awfulness. I’m sorry, Ann.

  42. it is just utterly awful. I am sorry.

    Don’t you think that failing to freeze (how can they DO that???) means they have to give you a free cycle?

  43. ok I have now read other comments and see that’s not really the point. But still, I’d argue for some form of compensation for pain and suffering. Let me know if you want me to write a letter.

  44. When at the end of your rope….hold on. Hold on my friend to whatever keeps you sane.

    Hospitals are arseholes. They think we are objects on a conveyor belt and not human beings with feelings. My heart hurts for you.

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