Things I Have Said Today

‘Please don’t pick up food from the floor with your feet and eat it’

‘Oh God. They’re screaming. They’re all dying horribly.’

‘What the fuck happened to that?’

‘Ohio has a Welsh Heritage Museum?’

‘ The Waxed Bat doesn’t sound like a wine. It sounds like Ozzy designed a sex toy.’ 

‘Must you?’

‘I can’t see Boris Johnson now without thinking of a pinata.’

‘Is this thing on?’

‘Which end of you is that goddawful smell coming from?’




Today, I have mostly been dozing off on the sofa, eating a chair-creakingly calorific Sunday lunch, and watching the finale of Downton – the dialogue of which is so clunky, cheesy and downright cringable that I neeeearly can’t bring myself to view it – but it all looks so lovely that I can’t resist.

Anyway. This NaBloPoMo thing. On we go! I require interaction from you today.

The poisoned chalice of PTA chairmanship stopped in front of me this year. A new broom, etc, and for reasons that escape me I exhorted my fellow committee members to include a ‘parents’ category in the school Autumn Creation competition, in the hope of dissuading everyone from giving their children quite so much Very Obvious assistance with their entries.

Cut a boring story short: John and I were the only two parents that entered, AND I spent nearly 3 hours helping Harry with his.

But at least one of us was assured of victory, which, given that it is John and I, really mattered. But they weren’t judged! Woe! The Headteacher kindly – wisely? refrained from choosing between the Hairy Farmers.

So, you must instead. What’ll it be, Conkers Playing, or Autumn Peacock?!

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