I have managed to bugger my menstrual cycle up beyond belief. In fact, I think I have been foolish even by my standards, although to be fair, cycles as pre-buggered as mine are hard to come by.

You would think it would be easy, in this day and age, to ensure that one’s period does not occur whilst one is on holiday. I noted with dubiosity and lip-chewing that Much-Anticipated-Holiday fell on day 43, and given that my previous cycles have been 56, 33 and 91 days respectively, I heard a cacophony of Arrooga!s. So I trotted off to the doctor about a week ago (having left it a bit late, and feeling a bit anxious accordingly) and said ‘Norethisterone, please!’ and he duly handed over the hormonal loot. Immediately I began the 7-day course I felt that period was Imminent, given the gleefully-gatecrashing cramps and associated razzamatazz, so I was a little more relaxed than, in hindsight, I should have been when I stopped taking them after day 4, having had a busy day and completely forgotten all 3 tablets on Day 5.

And… 4 or 5 days later (I am blurry on calendar stuff) diddly squat has occurred in terms of menstruation. I ache plenty, and I have been convinced that things are about to kick off, but they bloody haven’t. I fly in 5 days, and I am horribly aware of (presumably, but who the hell knows?) my falling progesterone levels that must inevitably deliver the crimson tide at some point soon – but not soon enough, now. I have gone past the time-window, and the ticking timer needs to be stopped. At this rate, I am fully expecting the tsunami to hit me about the moment I settle into my plane seat and start drinking uncontrollably to contain my fear relaxing.

This is a proper pisser, and I am unsure what to do about it. Going back to the Dr and admitting that I have utterly failed to comply with the dosage instructions for the drugs I demanded of him seems a little embarrassing; he does have a Paddington Bear Stare fully the equal of mine, after all. I could, I suppose, simply claim that they Have Not Worked, and omit to mention the *COU3GH* days of missed dosage. Whether he would then prescribe me more progesterone in an attempt to prop my falling levels up through my holiday, I… fail to compute. I have 10 x 5mg of norethisterone left, so I suppose I could attempt something along those lines myself, at the high risk of feeling like hormonal dog shit. But I do already! Because I have Meddled and Tampered unwisely!

Goddamn it. What do airlines charge you for ruined seats?

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